Archive

Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

Hell Raiser

March 17, 2011 Leave a comment

The God of Dudes

God of Dudes


Disclaimer: Anyone offended by religious figures being made fun off should stop reading right here. This is a original work of fiction and if replicated anywhere please do quote me. If used to commercial purposes, please pay me some money as I am mostly broke, I’ll really appreciate it. All puns jokes and intended things are intended and kindly take them in good humor. Don’t be a hater. When I wrote this I was going through a whole lot of shit from every corner of my life so was trying to keep myself sane by writing this. Blame it on the GODs. But now it’s all good. Thanks to all those people who pissed me off so I did this.

Have fun reading and tell the truth about how shitty, good or awesome this is. 🙂

I had doubts about people getting offended but I am uploading anyways.

Love Ab Kapoor.
abhi.kapoor@gmail.com

——————————————————————————————-
Characters:
1) Abhishek Kapoor (aka: Ab Kapoor or Hey Dude Wazzap)
2) Johnny Cage (aka: Cage the Rage)
3) Atif Danish Khan (aka: D Khan or Destroyer Khan)
4) Jesus
5) Muslim GODs (Read you’ll find later why I don’t mention names)
6) All Hindu GODs
7) Some other imaginary characters.

——————————————————————————————-

Scene 1:

The three friends: Cage, Khan and Ab have taken a charter plane to Hawaii for a Vacation.

Cage: This trip’s gonna bitchin you guys.
Khan: Yeah, me’s gonna get some Jack and Coke and check out some bootylicious babes.
Ab: Yeah I am gonna get drunk and stay buzzed. Maybe hit some chikas, do some adventure but definitely not takin’ any baggage home.

Suddenly there is a flutter in the Engine and there is this sound… like… puthhhhheeerrrrrrr.

Khan: Dude that sounded like the plane’s farting.
Ab: You Som of a Biaatch, did you have a reefer before take off.
Cage: We both did.
Ab: You idiots we just blew the engine.
Khan and Cage: No effin way…
Khan: This shit’s whack, Ab you should get some of this stuff, one joint and you never worry about anythin.

Just then the pilots come out of the cockpit wearing their parachutes. One on them says… “Best of luck guys, this bird’s goin down – we are off.”

He opens the exit door and sky dives.

Ab: Am I the only one who is piss shit scared here.

Cage: No sweat dude, Jesus will save me… Oh Jesus save me….
A few lightning bolts and Voila!!! Jesus appears and says, come hither my son I’ll take you to safety, a few more lightning bolts and they are gone.

Khan: Awesome!!! Allah will save me… Oh GOD save me…
A whirling wind appears and Khan is sucked into it (Everyone knows Allah has no shape and you can’t draw Mohammad or else Al Qaida kills you.) and he is saved.

Ab: Hey, I am Hindu, I have like a Zillion GODs… This is easy… Oh GOD save me…



Oh GOD save me…



Oh GOD save me…



Oh GOD save me…
OH GOD SAVE ME….

WTF!

GOD SAVE ME…

The Sound of the plane engulf his screams
WIAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNN!!!! PHTHHHHHHHHHHHURRRRRRRRRR!!!! KHRIK KHRIK KHRIK KHRIK!!!!!!! WRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!! CRASH!!!! BANG!

And he is DEAD.

——————————————————————————————-
-The End-
.
.
.
.
(of Scene 1. ROFL! If it was so this story would suck ahem! ahem! Balls. LOL!)

——————————————————————————————-

Scene 2: Gates to Heaven.

All the Big GODs like Brahma, Indra, Krishna, Shiva, etc are sitting inside heaven on recliners made of “artificial leather”.
A couple of lesser GODs are throwing flowers on them.
A Ladies like Parvati, Laxami, Durga etc are coming back from shopping in their Bentleys, Murcielago, Gallardo and an escort of Hummers.
There is a Huge Endless Screen that is playing the music of GODs with a movie showing the GODs machismo and rule of power over the centuries.

Ab falls on a soft cloud all covered in smoke and soot … is totally confused by the view around him.

A guy shows up with an iPad3 and asks him.

Accountant: Please state your name and give your finger-print here.
Ab: Say what man. And how do you have iPad3, Apple just released iPad2.
Accountant: Please state your name and give your finger-print here. This is heaven son, we have better technology and I ain’t got all day there is a party at Ganesha’s and I gotta be there, he’s got the best food so hurry up.
Ab: Ummmm, Abhishek Kapoor (Places his index finger on the iPad3)
Accountant: !!!!! Ok some confusion here. You ain’t supposed to be dead.
Ab: You think!!! I need an Audience with GOD.
Accountant: Which one?
Ab: ?????? They are all sitting there… just take me.
Accountant: Ok … Follow.

Near the Recliners of GODs.
Krishna: Ahhhhhh!!! This is the life baby; this “IS” the life… These new massage recliners are the best.
Accountant: Excuse me sires this guy ain’t supposed to be dead and…

Ab INTERRUPTS

Ab: First of all why didn’t you guys come to save me? Jesus and Allah came for their devotees, I had my arse hanging out of that half junk of a plane and none of you punks showed up.

Narad speaks up…

Narad: Narayan Narayan, You, should have taken a better plane and that’s no way to talk to the GODs son.
Ab: Oh Yeah, watcha gonna do.
Shiva: I could kill you… YOU know that!!!
Ab: Oh yeah! Mr Intelligent, I AM ALREADY DEAD… BEAT THAT….
Narad: The boy speaks the absolute truth.
Shiva: Dammmmmit Narad SHUTUP!!!

Ab: Hello! Any Answers please?

Krishna: Hey Bhrama you created him, I thought you were supposed to save him.
Bhrama: Since the plane was being destroyed, I thought it was Shiva’s job.
Shiva: I think I told Krishna to take care of the matter, I was busy.
Krishna: No you did not…
Shiva: Did so…
Krishna: … Did Not…
Shiva: Did so…
Krishna: … Did Not…
Shiva: Did so…

Ab: Hey, Hey, Hey… Cut it out. Where are the other important GODs like Ram, Hanuman etc etc.
Krishna: On a vacation to Hawaii, I hear the sun GOD is AWESOME at this time of the year.
Bhrama: HIGH FIVE! I created him.

They HIGH FIVE!

Ab: What about the lady GODesses?
Krishna: Oh they normally look pretty and often help the women only or when specifically called. Actually, when you say GOD Help me, we presume you talkin to the Dudes not Dames, so tough luck kid.

Ab: What about the zillion other GODs here.
Shiva: Oh they also only show up if spoken to of specifically, they have to RESPECT OUR AUTHORITAH!

Ab: F#@$!&g AWESOME!!! So you telling me, no one saved me coz … some of you thought that some other GOD was going to save me, remaining are on vacation, the women and lesser GODs would never help me because either they are shopping or have to RESPECT YOUR AUTHORITAH!!! And there is pandemonium in heaven?
Narad: The kid’s smart, you got that right son… HIGH FIVE!

Ab ignores his high five…
Ab FACEPALMS!!!

Narad: WHY won’t anyone high five me.
Ab: Because you are a loser, you don’t have any powers, why are you a GOD anyways? You never save anyone, just go around repeating obvious stuff and are annoying. You spread rumors and can’t keep a secret. GET OUTTA MY FACE.

Narad sticks out his tongue at Ab.

Shiva: Dude, seriously bro you can’t talk to us like that.
Ab: GET A HAIRCUT BRO.
Shiva: I am gonna kill you.
Ab: I REPEAT, I AM ALREADY DEAD, GENIUS.
Narad: The boy speaks the absolute truth.
Shiva: Dammmmmit Narad SHUTUP!!!

Krishna: Ok Dude we can compensate that… You know what; we will make you the GOD of Dudes. How about that?
Ab: And what will my power be? (Thinking: This could work…)
Krishna: You have tattoos, shades et al and your power will be to make people look cool and stay cool.
Ab: You mean I spread my KARIZMAH!!!

Narad: ooooooohhhhhhh! The boy learns fast.
Ab: Shut your TRAP Narad.

Ab: But it sucks to be dead.

Krishna: Don’t worry you will be fine. Brahma, make the kid the GOD of Dudes.
Bhrama: Well his track record is good, I could do that…

TATHASTHU !!!

ZAPPPPPPP!

Ab: Did a mosquito die.
Krishna: NO now you are a GOD.
Ab: That’s it… ZAPPPPPP!
Krishna: What else did you expect…? Lightning!!!

Ab: (Thinks in his head: I am stuck with this loser bunch till eternity now…. CRAP!!!!)

Ab: What can I do as GOD?
Narad: Anything you want, take over heaven, take over hell, sneak around, screw around with humans and….

Gets CUT OFF by Krishna…

Krishna: Narad… Why the hell do you have to give ideas to newcomers that get our butt kicked?
Shiva: We would like you to stay in heaven and be a good GOD.

Ab: Who rules hell?
All GODs look at each other with blank face.
Shiva: Well mostly when there is a uprising then some baddass bitch takes over but mostly its chaos there.

Ab: Brahma, you being the creator why did you not create a management for that place.
Bhrama: Well for one, I thought Shiva being the destroyer would rule…
Shiva: (Cuts off Bhrama) I am a GOD, not a low life…
Krishna: Well we kept that place just to banish people who mess around with us.
Ab: So that is like your punishment thing.
Krishna: No No No!!! What you get in Hinduism is… punishment is being born again and again.
Ab: ???????? Weird effin religion I was born in….

Narad: I could take you for a visit to hell.
Ab: Sure now I being a GOD should know about every thing.
Narad: Exactly.
Ab: Sure lets’s go, I’ll see you guys later.

Krishna tries to interrupt but before that Narad strikes a chord on his Guitar and….

ZAPPPPPPPP! Ab and Narad Disappear and leave for hell.

Krishna: I am gonna chop this Narad’s head one of these days.
Bhrama: I have a bad feeling about this.
Shiva: I need a drink bro, Jack this…

Accountant: Sires you have an appointment at Ganesha’s party…
Shiva: That kid you know get’s on my nerves…. ok pull out the Batlismobile…. It’s time to PARTEY!!! BOOM BOOM Yeah!

——————————————————————————————-
-The End of Scene 2-
——————————————————————————————-

Scene 3:

Ab and Narad appear in HELL…

BANG!!! BANG!!!

Ab: NO ZAPPPPPPPPP!
Narad: In Hell everything is Baddass, here it’s BANG!!! BANG!!!
Ab: I found Heaven to be very boring.
Narad: I secretly come here to party, this place is BAD… 😛

There is biker sitting on a Harley sippin on some Vodka.

Ab: Hay man who are you?

The Guy turns around slowly, smiles, Ab recognizes him, he’s Nicholas Cage, Johnny Cage’s father.

Nicholas: Hay Dude what brings you to this neck of the woods?
Ab: I died and now I am the GOD of Dudes. What are you doing here?
Nicholas: Good for you kid; I knew you had a spark about you. Well I live here now and only come to earth to make movies about how I escape from hell or kill Demons, It’s a lifestyle choice.
Ab: But how do you do it? I mean, not being dead and all?
Nicholas: I found the secret to power in HELL.
Ab: Really so you rule it?
Nicholas: Naah I can’t you have to be dead for that.

Narad: The man speaks the absolute truth.
Nicholas: Shut up!!! And beat it. Dude why you hanging around with this STD booth anyways, he’ll go and tell everything to everyone.
Ab: Yeah! Narad beat it; you’re not cool enough for me anyways.

Ab rubs his tattoo.
BANG!!! BANG!!!
Narad get’s sent to a random place on earth.

Nicholas: You learn fast Dude.
Ab: So what’s the secret to ruling hell?
Nicholas: Humm, I guess I could use someone ruling hell, what do you think, will my secret be safe with you?
Ab: Of course man, I’ve always been a big fan of your work.
Nicholas: Ok to rule hell “AFTER YOU ARE DEAD” you have to kiss the girl who is most irritating, ugly and obnoxious of that era.
Ab: WHO? Paris Hilton.
Nicholas: No, that irritating, ugly and obnoxious girl is an actress is in India.
Ab: HUH! Who is it?
Nicholas: Rakhi Sawant, Paris Hilton comes a close second.
Ab: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Nicholas: I won’t force you Dude, but if you want to rule hell you have to do it.

Ab speculates for a brief moment. Looks around, the fire looks really cool, booze is being served and Demons are having Penacolada’s and just chillin’, some pretty lookin babes with piercings and baddass tats are just chilling by the fire (As in Hindu hell all Demons live there, punishment is on Earth.)

Ab: Well it’s better than hanging around with those bozos in heaven.

Rubs his tattoo, BANG!!! BANG!!!

Appears in a page 3 party in Bombay. (AR Rahman’s Jai Ho! Music plays as he appears…)

Ab: Man that’s sucky entrance…

French Kisses Rakhi Sawant. (She screams like a old lady being attacked by Hugh Huffman)
Rakhi Sawant: I am being raped… I AM BEING RAPED… Now I will die from Squirrel AIDS.

Ab slaps her and she shuts up.

Khan: Dude you lived too?
Ab: No I am Dead… WTF are you doin here?
Khan: Dead? No Way man… I see you… I am Havin a reefer, drinkin a buzz…
Ab: True, True… I am GOD of Dudes now… J (Big Smile)
Khan: Far out man… AWESOME!
Ab: See ya bro…
Khan: See ya man… (Puffs on to a reefer…)

Disappears from Bombay. (AR Rahman’s Jai Ho! Music plays… YET AGAIN…)

BANG!!! BANG!!!

Ab: Man that was gross.
Nicholas: HERE COMES THE NEW RULER FOR HELL… Raises a Toast.

All Demons Bow Down.

Ab: What next…
Nicholas: You should bug those GODs up there.
Ab: Who in my GALACTIC Empire… feels the same?

THERE IS AN ENCORE and a ROAR of acceptance from all Demons present.

Ab: Then it’s WAAAAAAAAAR!!! But tonight we PARTY…
Ab: VODKA AND BEER ON THE HOUSE… I am the Hindu SATAN…. BOOYAH!

Nicholas:My next MOVIE is gonna be so AWESOME!!!

Metallica and Eminem play in the background as the Party goes into the night.

——————————————————————————————-
-The End of Scene 3-
——————————————————————————————-

Scene 4:

The Next Day the Demon Army marches to Heaven to claim the ULTIMATE territory for their GALACTIC EMPIRE. Leading them is DUDE, the God of Dudes and by his side Nicholas as his Legion Commander who now has the form of a 100ft tall Robotic Transformer spewing fire with Nukes and all Godly weapons attached to him.

The war does not last long as Ab is already aware of the powers of Gods and since he was a Software Engineer on Earth, crept VIRUS into all the new technology these GODs were using.

For his own Shield and Safety he upgraded all his systems to LINUX… For The WIN!!!

After everyone was in captivity.

Shiva: I thought Apple software was almost 99% safe.
Ab: Ha Ha Ha, Just because you use iPads and iPhones does not make you secure. Your servers and computers are still all Windows.
Narad: The boy speaks the absolute truth.
Krishna: NAAAAAAARRRRRAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDD!!!!! It’s your entire fault… you gave him the idea to take over hell and heaven.

Nicholas comes back to his original form.

Ab: Now What…
Nicholas: Beats me Dude….
Ab: Man about 36 hours being dead and I am already bored.
Krishna: You are the Ultimate GALACTIC ruler now, what else could you want.

Ab In deep thought… Earth was better than this; at least I had a new challenge every day.

Just then all the GODs from vacation show up.
There’s Lord Rama and his brother Laxman, Goddess Saraswati et al.

Ram: WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN ON HERE!!!
Saraswati: I leave for one day and you lose control of heaven, and who made this kid the God of Dudes.
Bhrama: It was Krishna’s idea.
Krishna: But only you can create anything, how is that my fault, don’t you have a brain of your own.

The GODs start arguing among themselves.

Nicholas and Ab talking among themselves.
Nicholas: Dude I think I should go back to making movies.
Ab: Yeah this GOD stuff is BS.

Saraswati: WON’T IT WOULD HAVE MADE MORE SENSE TO SIMPLY SEND HIM BACK TO EARTH, IF HE DIED BY MISTAKE.
Krishna: Yes… OH YES! That would have made more sense. Shiva you never speak up… All you do all day is blow up things.
Shiva: SAY WHAT… I AM GONNA KILL YOU.

Ab Rubs his tattoo and send all Demons back to Hindu Hell.

The GODs are surprised!!!

Ab: Just send me back. I did not know I had that option. And Mr Cage you go back to making movies.
Nicholas: I am off. ZAAAAAAAAAAPPP! (He’s gone.)
Shiva: How does he do that? He’s not even Dead?
Ab: He kissed Rakhi Sawant.

All GODs eyes open wide and go “ohhhhhhhhhhhh”

Krishna waves his hand and Ab gets sent back to Earth.

WAKES UP.

Ab: Yaaawn. Finally.

Realizes he is not in his bedroom.
Ab: Huh.
Realizes he is has long hair.
Ab: What the eff.
Realizes he is breast implants.
Looks in the mirror.
Ab: Those Bastards sent me back as RAKHI SAWANT.

Ab: (SCREAMS) “YOU STILL KNOW I AM GOD OF THE DUDEs, YOU CAN’T TAKE THAT BACK, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS KILL MYSELF AND COME BACK… DON’T MAKE ME DO THAT.”

Hears Krishna’s voice in his head. “Just messing with you man. Wait a Sec”

Ab wakes up again, this time in a hospital recovering from minor injuries, surrounded by really HOT nurses.

Ab: How long have I been out.
Hot Nurse: We thought you were dead but then you recovered miraculously. (Gives him a kiss on his forehead.) You are one lucky boy Ab. Here’s today’s newspaper.

Horoscope column:
Ganesha says: You Gonna be in the Heavens today. You’ll have an AWESOME day.

Ab looks outside and smiles at the beautiful snow clad mountain in front of him.

——————————————————————————————-
-The End of Scene 4-
——————————————————————————————-

-THE END-

Advertisements
Categories: Fiction Tags: , , , , ,

Everyone should have a sense of humor….. :)

August 17, 2010 3 comments

I tried this at home!!!!

Mom, Dad I am sorry…..

Disclaimer: The post tells you some Dark Secrets. Weak-Hearted members must first get a Doctor’s certificate to enter the post. Any damage to any member’s brain and heart wont be entertained later on. The post is a serious one. No fun intended. Any resemblance to any person Living or Dead is purely intentional.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dad trying to get me married and have kids:

Dad: I love you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Taking care of you when you were small was the best feeling ever!!
Me: I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you?
Dad: Yes.
Me: That’s sad!!!!! (He wasn’t amused…)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Mom: You are driving too fast…
Me: No! It’s the trees, they are running too fast….

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I am sleeping…..

Dad: (Wakes me up…) Are you sleeping!
Me: No I was running the cross-country race… Could you please get me some Gatorade…
(I don’t think he quite got what I meant…)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dad: I told you not to ride a bike… (I had a major accident…)
Dad: I told you not to go out at night… (Got in trouble with cops…)
Dad: I told you not to get involved with women… (Had a streak of bad relationships…)
Dad: I told you not to drive to fast… (Almost totaled my car twice…)
Dad: I told you not to deep sea surfing… (Almost drowned…)
Dad: I told you not to keep your windows open… (Caught a cold…)

Me: Dad please stop telling me what not to do…
Dad: Blank face?????

Me: I think you are bad luck…. (He was Not Amused…)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

(This seriously happened…)
At school my Headmaster told me to tell our folks that we love them a lot!!!!
10 years later … I am sitting alone in my crib… I remember what he said so….

Speed Dial: (Dad)
… Telephone Rings …

Dad: Hello
Me: Hay pops it’s me!
Dad: Had your dinner…
Me: ummmm…. No…. I miss you Dad … Love you…
Dad: Did you kill someone???
Me: ????? (Thinking!!! WTF ….) No dad…
Dad: Did you have an accident???
Me: ????? (Thinking!!! WTF ….) No dad…
Dad: Have you started taking drugs???
Me: ????? (Thinking!!! Seriously WTF ….) No dad…
Dad: Do you need money???
Me: ????? (Thinking!!! WTF ….) No dad…
Me: Good Night dad…..
Dad: Abhi……. (Click!!!!)

(I think: I am never doing that again!!!!)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ok I find this very funny…
My dad wanted me to study History as a subject so I told him….

Me: Dad you want me to take History …. I find it boring and uninteresting…
Dad: That’s not the case…
Me: Oh yes it is… When you were my age History was Current Affairs so, that’s why you like it so much…. (NOT AT ALL AMUSED…. I WAS BLASTED OFF TO THE MOON….)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dad: In our times, we had only two pairs of trousers, and two pairs of shirts…
Me: Dad I also have two pairs of trousers and two pairs of shirts…
……….rest are Jeans, Tees, Cargos….. LOL

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My Mum’s Friends: You should get married Abhishek, it’s your time, You are next…
Me: (I looked deep down in her eyes and said)… “I can’t tolerate women…” (She fell off the chair… I felt she knew I was talking about her…. ROFL)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Old Woman: Abhi… “You are next…” Getting married soon huh!
Me: Yeah… (Actually Nooooo…..)
Me: Aunty I heard about your sister passing away… very sad…
Old Woman: Yeah well it was her time….
Me: (In my head….. “YOU ARE NEXT!!!” …. YOU FU*&$IN BITCH!!!)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

(When I was 16… :P)

Mom: Where were you?
Me: Went to meet my girlfriend…
Mom: Kiss Liye? (In Hindi …. Why?)
Me: Lots… (She did not catch the vibe….)
Mom: Kiss Liye? (In Hindi …. Why?)
Me: To have coffee….

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Career Advice:

Mom: I want you to have everything in life….
Me: ……… ?
Me: Where would I put all those things….

ROFL!!!!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life…
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Will add more as I remember them or when they happen… You have some share below…
Peace out friends…. Love you all….. 🙂

PS: Time to go study now 😦

Categories: Life's Stories... Tags: ,